I've always had a difficult relationship with sleep and it is not getting any easier. In fact, it is getting worse. Part of the reason I type this. How many times can the guys next door listen to that song???
I come here today because for the 2nd day in a row (skipping one day) (wait, what?) (you heard me) (we're working on 3 day weeks here) I have managed to sleep through my 2 and 3 o'clock classes while managing to attend my 8, 9 and 11 o'clock ones. And it was easy getting to those this week. 8 am is a time I'm not particuallry fond of and getting up for those classes at 8 have been a bane to my existence. It's honestly just not a good time. The solution to this that I've found myself somewhat regretably in, was the swapping of a sleep schedule, something that, for me, was already very retarded. I have only made it more so. For the past several days, I have been waking up at 4pm, going back to sleep (I don't know why) and waking up again at 8pm. From there, I try to do my work (it is stacking up royally hard this week as it is midterms week and lamentably, I am behind on it.) So I wake up at 8pm and when I try to fall asleep around my standard bedtime of 2 or 3 am, I am, of course, unable to do so. Since there is not particuallarly a lot to do at this hour, and I find myself either burned out on the work or just not able to (3am does not seem like a good time to do stuff academically (even though i've probably done 10-15% of my better stuff between 2 and 4 am)). I shut down a portion of my brain, but more parts continue to run, at a much greater speed than normal (and of course, more than is simply required to stay alive). It becomes that bedttime is one of the more stressful times of day for me, if not the most stressful. So I lay in bed and it is 3 or 4 am. I spend the next few hours trying to get to sleep, knowing it is next to hopeless, and watching my clock, the knowledge that my alarm should be going off at 7:20 am never fading, and calcualting just how many minutes of sleep I would get if I fell asleep in the next minute. Which, of course, never happens. I am curious to see just how long it takes to fall asleep after watching a clock. No one can say exactly when they fall asleep, unless they are filming themselves or have someone else watch them. I'm either not weird enough to do this or simply too lazy. I'm inclined to think it is the latter. It gets to be 6:30 in the am, I am watching my clock and shoving my head into a sheet and pillow. It is just not going to happen. 7:20 rolls around and I'm sitting upright, just waiting for the little fucker to go off. It does and i turn it off. I look around the room, somewhat dark, now that I have redone my modifications from either last year or 2 years ago (time is becoming blurry and it is getting hard to pinpoint many things, unless I make particular note of something and its date. Cell phones are great to this end. I go to my 8am class, running on the hours of sleep gathered somewheres between 12pm to 4pm and 6pm to 8pm the previous day. And it is of course at around 6:30 am when my head starts to hurt, just when it becomes too late to even continue trying. The mental pain grows over the next two hours. On monday, I finish class at 11:50 and go to lunch. I get back to my room where I work on some, well, work, for my other classes. It is 1:10 and I'm done (with what I'm going to do for that time) I generally leave for my 2oclock at 1:50 or so, so I decide i could try to take a short nap. It is 4:1# something when i look at my clock. I sigh and curse a bit. I'm no longer sure what followed after that. The following day would be Tuesday, a day I have no classes. I am pretty sure i finally woke up and stayed up at 7pm on this day. A few factors including tiredness, boredome and depression can probably explain this. Waking up at 7pm has its advantages and disadvantages. For one, on friday March 9th, I was only awake for 2-4 hours of sunlight, and was not exposed to it, for the most part, because of the new curtain set up. (the wee hours early in the morning when it comes up and then a few later as it was going down.) I do not miss you sun. You and the flourescent lights are what make me tired. Okay, now something around here doesn't make sense. And that is just how things are. I hate light and attempt to be in complete darkness whenever i can, espcecially when trying to sleep. But as soon as i turn the lights off (i'm tired and reading a book only makes me more so), the sleepiness fades away and i realize i'm not getting to sleep anytime soon. Nor can i go back to reading a book, i've tried this before, i read one page then pause 10 minutes, read another page and so on. i've never been a particularly strong reader, but this is pathetic even for me.
So this ceates a bit of a paradox for me. I crave darkness to sleep but am only tired in the light. Perhaps i did not help myself by barricading the windows (more on self help later), but it certainly has been a relief to my eyes. Probably a vitamin defiency, I can not stand light. It is more than bothersome. Part of the reason i've been wearing my perscription sunglasses in class these last few days.
Wednesday comes around and once again, it its early morning, but not the real early morning, the one people don't refer to as morning but as the previous day's night. It makes no fucking sense whatsoever and when i say things as they actually are, i confuse people and they look at me like i'm the one who is fucking insane (ok, i probably am, or if not, will be most likely) and inaccurate. I try to be as accurate and technical as i can, as that is what makes sense. But lets face it, people don't make sense, so accuracy is not the norm and makes people think you are either weird or an asshole. Some of this can be seen through papers i write, where i almost never say "they all," "always," or "never," but instead, "almost always," "almost never," "almost all," as can be seen earlier in this sentence. I'm not sure if this has helped me or not, it probably has not, as it could lead to a "feeling" of uncertainty in ~my stuff~ when others read it. "Well, he doesn't seem to have very strong
--god dammit, shut the fuck up, your singing will be the end of me--
where was i? oh and sorry about that. I just honestly need to get the fuck out of this housing situation. Only a few months left!
--> convictions." And honestly, i don't really. Nor am i sure of myself. In fact, i am sure i am not sure of myself, this can be seen as early as 8th grade when i wrote and gave a speach on my indecisiveness. Later, sometime in the last year, 2 or 3, I figured out that it was not exactly indecisiveness, but rather, poor decision making that was behind my decisions, or lack thereof, or "decisions." If something can be decided or done, it is not until the very last moment that i will decide it or do it. Actually, i often don't decide it and something is either wasted or lost. Or something. As you can probably tell, but can't as you're no longer reading this insane ramble, I don't make a lot of sense, but i don't think that was my intended thing to say when i started the sentence, my memory really is just that poor and I am so "not here" that I can't seem to carry an idea through an entire sentence. A defining trait of that which is what I am, in essence. Now you're definetly not reading.
OKay, I got sidetracked for a moment just now, but i think i remember this being about Wednesay, which incidentally, is today. Probably improper use of commas and before i started this sentence, i looked at the start of this paragraph and it said Wednsday, so my suspicions were correct.
So I went to class again at 8, leaving my room at around 7:53/4 only to realize once i'm downstairs and almost out the door, that I forgot my memory key. I needed it for this day as I had a presentation to give during my 9oclock class and both files were on the thing. I go back to get it and once again, I will not be early to the 8am class. It's just not going to happen. Get through the 3 classes till 11:50 and head back to my room. MY head is killing me and eyes burning. It is 12:03 and there is undoubedtly a mad rush at the dining hall so I just chill in my room for a few minutes. I take my shoes off and lie down. I look at the clock. It is 12:07. Ok, i'll just lay here til it is 12:15, then i'll head to breakfast/lunch/firstmeal. I open my eyes. 4:2#. What the fuck!? How does this happen, especially since i set my alarm to 1:45(pm) this morning before leaving for class, just as security/insurance in case some sleep-state occurs again. Why it did not go off, I do not know, why it was not making noise upon my waking or that it no longer had the al2 selected I do not know. But this is not the first time i have been let down by this clock, it has done so many, many times. I even studied it and stuff. You are a bad clock and i do not like you. You have 2 fuctions. 1. Display time. 2. Make a fuck load of noise at a time i designate. Apparently you only want to do 1 of your functions, and that would be fine if it were the second and not the first. I have a cell phone, that can tell time for me. And it does so more than being a phone.
I think what i could use right now, along with almost everyone else at this bloody place, is a nice good spring break, before spring begins. Of course, it probably won't be too nice as i intend to try and catch up on work and do my taxes. Somehow I'm thinking one of the 2 if not both won't be accomplished..
After having a cold for 2 or so weeks affecting the nose in late feb-early march, i got over it (obviously) and was fine for a week. Now i seem to have acquired another cold-type thing, this time in the throat. So while I don't need tissues, I generally sound like a monster. (you know, to go along with the feeling like one.) Being a robot would be nice. Get rid of these human weaknesses that i am not accustomed to, throw in my brain (ok, that might be a weakness) and you've, well, you've got something there. Though, chances are, it would be like Marvin from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
I don't know why i woke up at early 4oclock today, as i was still incredibly tired. It was just late enough to realize i missed both classes and do nothing about it. I tried to go back to sleep after 20 minutes to push away the tired, but obviously that would not work. I can only sleep when I don't want to, I can't sleep when I want to, I can be redunant in many sentences, like this, there, another example. So here i am, typing this, a result of can't sleep and over working brain syndrome.
The other topic i had forgotten about til just now was research. I have, for many years, considered myself a researcher. And what i am researching, like most researched topics, is completely useless - myself. I perform tests and analyize myself in a way no one should if they have any common sense or concerns of welfare. By doing the opposite, that is my method. I am a terrible person, there is not a doubt left in my mind. truly evil when you get down to it, the kind of guy who should, well, something, before something else happens. We could leave it at that for now, and i say we because, honestly, i don't know, but it seems pretty obvious i'm not entirely there. where there is is undefined, but not really, just another stupid thing people come up with meaning i'm not exactly mentally stable, which is, if you know me, or have read this, quite obvious, wouldn't you agree? There are many good activites a person can engage in to better themselves, physically, mentally, spiritually, or what have you. Needless to say, i engane in none of these activies (while, apart from attending schooling, but as seen before, I miss some of it due to my retarded nature of sleep pattern fucking up whenever the hell i get the chance to).
"You should get some fresh air and sunlight." I have effecitvely blocked the sun from my room and sleep through the majority of hours it is "up" when i get the chance to (which is 4 out of 7 days a week) The other day, i did not go outside. At all. Not the first time that has happened, not by far, and it certainly won't be the last. But i gathered from other peoples' statuses that it was a warm and sunny day, so as far as i'm concerned, nothing was lost. This is actually quite sad; I was unable to get through March without feeling physical discomfort due to weather and its conditions. Give me greyed out skys, a foot of snow, hail and lightning before you give me 45 degrees and a sunny day.
I fucking hate warmth!!! I generate enough myself thank you very much. To put these in MMO terms and further isolate myself from people and a normal or good life, I have +60 resistence to cold -50 to heat and near immunity to disease. I can take physical damage decently but any sort of light or heat cripples me almost instantly.
My nicknames are: The Northern Brute, The Arctic Bear and The Missing Link.
If you were wondering why we don't talk more (you probably weren't), now you know.
Additionally, I have been stimulating solitary confinement to the best of my abilites for the past 2 and a half years and have spent time contemplating the idea and practice of money (it doesn't make sense is my conclusion) along with human behaivor (also doesn't make sense) , time and politcs to a degree.
Overall, I've grown a heavy disconnect to the human race which is actually quite funny. It normally isn't so, but it has been taken a few steps farther than it should, to the point where anything under such circumstances is the opposite of what it is. If that made no sense, and there's a good chance it didn't (majority of what i say doesn't) it could be explained by the sayings, "so bad it's good," "so bad it's funny" (in regards to jokes, obviously, such as puns or 1/6 the things i say, but then i have to ask myself, which bad do i mean with that last statement?
If you made it through that, i both applaud and pity you. If you skipped the above and just went to the bottom (this line) I suppose i could say fuck you or you're missing the point. wait, was there a point, probably not, i don't think this turned out as i intended it to.. even though i probably would have done the same thing, maybe. And now it is no longer the bottom is it? Okay, i guess technically it still is at the moment, as this is the las paragraph, just make sure i don't add another, and if i do, reorganize. Then again, i want to try to sleep again (wish me luck) so ill just end this now.
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